April's Permission Slip
I give myself permission to let go.
Something I've grown to be proud of myself for is being able to say when I'm not okay. I no longer feel like I have to suffer through things: relationships, jobs, or my mental health. My goal in life is to live with ease at the forefront. Life is hard enough as it is. Forcing myself to "hang in there" when I'm falling apart is no longer an option for me.
I've struggled with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. My earliest memory of anxiety was at my grandfather's house. A cookout or something was happening. Neighbors, friends, and family were everywhere. I remember feeling extremely overwhelmed and scared. I went inside, sat on the wooden steps, and pressed my face on the cold black rod iron banister. I remember closing my eyes and wishing that I was home, hiding under the covers in my bed. I was around seven years old. My grandfather came in, saw me, and asked why I wasn't outside playing. I clearly remember saying I don't want to play.
His response has stuck with me: You're being a spoiled brat.
I felt even more confused at that moment. I didn't understand how not wanting to play and be around a lot of people made me a spoiled brat. That moment was one of many that would teach me I wasn't worthy of feeling my feelings—and that people-pleasing was the only way to be seen and loved. My social anxiety got worse and worse the older I got. At almost 33 years old, I still struggle with it, and I frequently look back and see my 7-year-old self sitting on the wooden steps, feeling feelings that I wasn't allowed or encouraged to feel.
As an adult, I take my power back by not forcing myself to show up and be okay when I'm not.
I give myself permission to stop people-pleasing.
I give myself permission to collect my thoughts and feelings before stepping into a room full of people.
I give myself permission to be fully human and not have to perform for the comfort of others.
I give myself permission to let go.
There's so much unlearning that I'm doing in my adult life. Sometimes it feels extremely hard not to feel like a "spoiled brat" for prioritizing my emotional well-being. But I clearly understand these days that if I am not well, I cannot show up as my best self.
On my walk yesterday, I thought a lot about how I am healing and how far I've come in that healing. I'm becoming more and more comfortable with not shrinking myself. I'm proud of myself for naming what I need and not being afraid to say it aloud.
This Spring, I am grateful for:
My new anxiety medication. I was so nervous that it would fail me like the last one, but it's working well for me, and I am so thankful.
The email my husband sent me this morning reminding me of how valuable I am. He is my mirror, and I am so thankful for the support he shares with me when I need it most.
Edible flowers for my salads, pastas, and open-face sandwhiches— they make things 10x better just because they're beautiful.
The sound of birds chirping on my walks.
My new podcast with Libby DeLana (linked below)
Our deeply moving community live chat on healing yesterday via IG Live (linked below)
My royal blue mug filled with coffee and a splash of half & half.
Journal Questions:
What has stuck with you from childhood that you're unlearning?
What do you need today?
How are you feeling about yourself at this moment?
What are you giving yourself permission to do when it comes to your healing?
Listen to THIS MORNING WALK PODCAST (Happy International Walking Day, everyone!)
Listen to our community conversation on HEALING here. (Bring your journals)
Want to support my work? You can buy my book After the Rain here, at Target, or at your fave Indie Bookshop.
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