Gentle Reminder: Honor the Distance
You cannot be there for people who do not want you to be.
This season has been teaching me a humbling truth: you cannot be there for people who do not want you to be. You cannot be there for people who push you away. It can be hard to accept, but no amount of effort or intention can drive someone to welcome what they are unwilling or unable to accept.
You can try your best to be the supportive friend, the loving partner, the intentional family member—but if the other person doesn't have the space or desire to receive your tenderness, support, love, or care, the best thing you can do is respect their space and let them walk their walk without you.
Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is honor the distance and trust that they're walking the path they need to walk, even if it's without you.
It's painful to watch the people we care about remain stuck in the same patterns, especially when we know they deserve better. We want to step in, fix, and heal what's broken. But here's the reality: their healing is not your work. Their journey is their own, and while it's natural to want to help and be a safe space, the responsibility to heal lies within them. Sometimes, our role may be to love them from afar.
Letting go in this way requires immense compassion—not just for them, but for yourself. It's a reminder that you don't have to carry what isn't yours. Releasing the need to insert your help when someone's actions or words are saying they don't want it is a lesson in trust that the people we love will find their way.
At times, caring for someone will look like letting them get lost without intervening. When they’re ready, they will make their way home to themselves.
Gentle Reminder: You cannot save anyone from their dysfunctional relationship. You cannot save anyone from self-sabotaging. You cannot save anyone from their addiction. You cannot save anyone from themselves—even if you wanted to.
An act of self-care in times like this is releasing the need to be saviors. Taking off the cape is crucial for conserving your well-being. This act of surrender is necessary for growth. Making peace and letting go is difficult, especially when we're watching the people we love and care about sink into despair, delusion, and dysfunction—but we must.
We don't always lose by stepping back. We can grow by honoring our journey and theirs, even if those paths aren't currently parallel.
May we all remember that sometimes, the best we can do for a loved one going through a tough time is simply bear witness—even if we must do that from a distance. There comes a time when we have to let folks learn independently, even if it's the hard way.
Our path is ours, and theirs is theirs.
Letting that be true is a beautiful but necessary challenge.
Tools to Take with You:
Set healthy boundaries: Establish clear emotional boundaries for yourself. Recognize when your attempts to help are causing more harm than good, and give yourself permission to step back. By doing so, you're practicing self-compassion, allowing yourself to protect your emotional well-being while also honoring the other person's space.
Practice patience with the process:
Understand that personal growth and healing take time. This journey is not linear. By practicing patience, you give yourself and others grace to navigate their journeys at their own pace. This patience fosters compassion as you release the need for immediate change or resolution.
Reframe your expectations: Instead of focusing on how the other person should respond or change, shift your attention to what you can control—your actions and responses. Remind yourself that offering love and support doesn't guarantee an outcome, and that's okay. Compassion means accepting things as they are, not as we wish them to be.
Practice loving detachment: Detachment doesn't mean you stop caring for the person. It means you lovingly release the need to fix what isn't yours to repair. You can continue loving them while acknowledging that their journey is theirs, and vice versa. This approach allows you to remain compassionate without depleting yourself emotionally.
Words to Remember:
“I trust so much in the power of the heart and the soul; I know that the answer to what we need to do next is in our own hearts. All we have to do is listen, then take that one step further and trust what we hear. We will be taught what we need to learn." - Melody Beattie, the author of Codependent No More
Something to Watch:
Friendship, Loneliness, and Vulnerability [here].
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This is so painfully true, it hurts so much more when it's your daughter who has already got more than her share to cope with... in one breath she's asking you for help but her silence is pushing you away and shutting your love out..😢💔
This landed in my inbox just in time. I'm currently estranged from a family member (their choosing) and it's been incredibly hard for me to accept and cope with. My inclination is always to fix things, no matter the sacrifice for myself, and reading this helped validate that, despite the discomfort, my path is OK.