I literally just texted a relatively new friend, with this observation - my circle is changing and includes some new folks---for a time such as this. And I am thankful for my legacy friends and the new ones on the come up. I accept that my friendships will not always carry the same energy, weight, or importance over the duration of a friendship. I'm falling back. By releasing some of these (stale) pre-existing friendships, I have made room for new friendships. Ones that will buoy me through the current season of life.
It was a tough realization. A necessary realization. And I am thankful for it.
I'm glad I'm not the only one standing in the garden of my friendships, pruning shears in hand. Sending my love to anyone else experiencing this right now. It's not easy, but deeply trusting the prune is worth the space it creates for the bloom. x
I love the awareness, I think I’m there right now. For me, it’s kids growing and making more room for me and my desires. So now the work begins to reframe and reconstruct relationships.
It’s hard when you have built your identity around being the supporter and nurturer. Are we even ok with occupying that space of being supported and nurtured? So, I guess for me the next step is giving myself permission to hold that space.
I love this piece. A inventory and cull became urgent in 2020 and it became necessary again in the past couple of years to present day. Becoming a public figure changes your friendship circle - not every body likes to see you successful. Your growth and their growth or stagnancy alters friendships. We’re conditioned to believe friendships are supposed to be for the long haul - many aren’t. I’ve been intentionally pruning those that are careless and aren’t reciprocal. The ending of friendships is hard. So much grief. My tree is bare right now - and knowing there is now space for the new to be nurtured and grow. Beautiful piece - thank you Alex x
"We're conditioned to believe friendships are supposed to be for the long haul."
I listened to a podcast episode from Myleik Teele where she identified this point, and also called out how it is embedded in girls, young girls specifically, very early. The concepts of BFFs and being BEST friends 4eva- we are groomed to believe we have to be linked, attached, to someone. Oh, and not just for a moment, for a lifetime. (Best Friends FOREVER!)
Here's to normalizing friendship seasons and cycles. Here's to normalizing cycles of intense connection, moderate DISconnection, and REconnection.
Chiiile! Standing in this very place this season and my goodness the tears. For me it’s friends not supporting me in a season of being in ill-health, I’ve been unwell for sometime now and it’s been interesting seeing those I considered close friends falling back in the last few months. And as a former nurturer now occupying the space of being supported and nurtured it’s been hard. But it has made me start to re-evaluate my friendships.
I’m sorry to hear this. I often hear this from black women in particular - the carers, the deep listeners, the strong ones everyone goes to being almost abandoned when there is a shift in “roles”. It’s very painful. I am glad it gad given you clarity on what you no longer want in your life - trusting it will create space for the new ❤️
This is a beautiful way of expressing something I have long advocated for. The power of the gentle friend cull. I have probably felt the need to evaluate my circle every decade or so since my twenties (am 45 now) to make sure I am consistently surrounded by people who match my energy. And, using the pruning analogy, it always bears more fruit. ❤️
I have been evaluating why I give more to my relationships than is returned for some time now. I don’t have the answer yet but I’m glad to know others also feel that it’s important to shed when I am no longer valued in return.
THIS! is exactly what I needed to read because this is exactly what I am going through right now. This just validates everything and everyone I am feeling at this time in my life. Thank you!
Standing not so far away on Doeg land, close to you on Piscataway land. I also want to be connected to people who can give themselves grace and me grace too.
Thank you for this piece. I've lost my twin brother and his wife bc of their lack of any concern for anyone other than themselves. All I ever wanted was for them to be happy and all I got for it, for 50 years, was criticism and judgement. It took me several years to finally not hurt when I think of them. But I had to cut them off and I can't believe I'm saying this, I am so much better off for it. I'm happier, lighter, and have no one in my life judging me anymore. And that is so liberating. They will never be happy! I just wish I realized that years ago. I can't be a part of their disfunction. Thank you again for this wonderful piece of writing!
This all around. I’m learning that I tend to hold on longer than I should. Making friends has been difficult for me since childhood, but now I’m starting to recognize the difference between who’s a friend that sees me vs a connection that sees only what they want to see, and letting go. Saying goodbye is tough, but it only leaves space for more genuine connections to emerge.
This is huge, Alex. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. As I sit in the shadow of turning 50, this has been my front + center focus. Foraging + pruning simultaneously have led to a simpler life pallet to draw from...much of the ambiguity seems to fade when we stop holding what isn't ours + make room for that which is. I have a lowercase "o" circle of people, which has undoubtedly shown the depth + importance of quality vs. quantity.
You always show up when I feel like I'm doubting choices I've made. Thank you for this reminder to pay close attention to our interACTIONS. It's so easy to overlook being let down over and over, and the feelings build.
The line that got me: "I don't have the space, energy, or time to continue being the only one making efforts to connect physically or emotionally."
Beautiful. I liken it to what I once felt was a year of shed, sift, savor for me. I am in that phase again frankly. Shed what is not nourishing, sift through the things we don’t notice or just keep doing (to determine whether to keep or shed) and savor the nourishing parts and the joy. Savor feels like a decadent word we don’t use often enough for the really good in our lives.
I literally just texted a relatively new friend, with this observation - my circle is changing and includes some new folks---for a time such as this. And I am thankful for my legacy friends and the new ones on the come up. I accept that my friendships will not always carry the same energy, weight, or importance over the duration of a friendship. I'm falling back. By releasing some of these (stale) pre-existing friendships, I have made room for new friendships. Ones that will buoy me through the current season of life.
It was a tough realization. A necessary realization. And I am thankful for it.
I'm glad I'm not the only one standing in the garden of my friendships, pruning shears in hand. Sending my love to anyone else experiencing this right now. It's not easy, but deeply trusting the prune is worth the space it creates for the bloom. x
I love the awareness, I think I’m there right now. For me, it’s kids growing and making more room for me and my desires. So now the work begins to reframe and reconstruct relationships.
It’s hard when you have built your identity around being the supporter and nurturer. Are we even ok with occupying that space of being supported and nurtured? So, I guess for me the next step is giving myself permission to hold that space.
I love this piece. A inventory and cull became urgent in 2020 and it became necessary again in the past couple of years to present day. Becoming a public figure changes your friendship circle - not every body likes to see you successful. Your growth and their growth or stagnancy alters friendships. We’re conditioned to believe friendships are supposed to be for the long haul - many aren’t. I’ve been intentionally pruning those that are careless and aren’t reciprocal. The ending of friendships is hard. So much grief. My tree is bare right now - and knowing there is now space for the new to be nurtured and grow. Beautiful piece - thank you Alex x
"We're conditioned to believe friendships are supposed to be for the long haul."
I listened to a podcast episode from Myleik Teele where she identified this point, and also called out how it is embedded in girls, young girls specifically, very early. The concepts of BFFs and being BEST friends 4eva- we are groomed to believe we have to be linked, attached, to someone. Oh, and not just for a moment, for a lifetime. (Best Friends FOREVER!)
Here's to normalizing friendship seasons and cycles. Here's to normalizing cycles of intense connection, moderate DISconnection, and REconnection.
Absolutely
Chiiile! Standing in this very place this season and my goodness the tears. For me it’s friends not supporting me in a season of being in ill-health, I’ve been unwell for sometime now and it’s been interesting seeing those I considered close friends falling back in the last few months. And as a former nurturer now occupying the space of being supported and nurtured it’s been hard. But it has made me start to re-evaluate my friendships.
I’m sorry to hear this. I often hear this from black women in particular - the carers, the deep listeners, the strong ones everyone goes to being almost abandoned when there is a shift in “roles”. It’s very painful. I am glad it gad given you clarity on what you no longer want in your life - trusting it will create space for the new ❤️
This is a beautiful way of expressing something I have long advocated for. The power of the gentle friend cull. I have probably felt the need to evaluate my circle every decade or so since my twenties (am 45 now) to make sure I am consistently surrounded by people who match my energy. And, using the pruning analogy, it always bears more fruit. ❤️
I love that term "gentle friend circle".
I have been evaluating why I give more to my relationships than is returned for some time now. I don’t have the answer yet but I’m glad to know others also feel that it’s important to shed when I am no longer valued in return.
THIS! is exactly what I needed to read because this is exactly what I am going through right now. This just validates everything and everyone I am feeling at this time in my life. Thank you!
Standing not so far away on Doeg land, close to you on Piscataway land. I also want to be connected to people who can give themselves grace and me grace too.
I can’t tell you how deeply this touched me. Thank you, Alex 💛
This is a beautiful reflection. It resonates deeply, and I am grateful that you shared it. Thank you. _/\_
Thank you for this piece. I've lost my twin brother and his wife bc of their lack of any concern for anyone other than themselves. All I ever wanted was for them to be happy and all I got for it, for 50 years, was criticism and judgement. It took me several years to finally not hurt when I think of them. But I had to cut them off and I can't believe I'm saying this, I am so much better off for it. I'm happier, lighter, and have no one in my life judging me anymore. And that is so liberating. They will never be happy! I just wish I realized that years ago. I can't be a part of their disfunction. Thank you again for this wonderful piece of writing!
This all around. I’m learning that I tend to hold on longer than I should. Making friends has been difficult for me since childhood, but now I’m starting to recognize the difference between who’s a friend that sees me vs a connection that sees only what they want to see, and letting go. Saying goodbye is tough, but it only leaves space for more genuine connections to emerge.
Congratulations for this realisation! Keep growing 💕
This is huge, Alex. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. As I sit in the shadow of turning 50, this has been my front + center focus. Foraging + pruning simultaneously have led to a simpler life pallet to draw from...much of the ambiguity seems to fade when we stop holding what isn't ours + make room for that which is. I have a lowercase "o" circle of people, which has undoubtedly shown the depth + importance of quality vs. quantity.
You always show up when I feel like I'm doubting choices I've made. Thank you for this reminder to pay close attention to our interACTIONS. It's so easy to overlook being let down over and over, and the feelings build.
The line that got me: "I don't have the space, energy, or time to continue being the only one making efforts to connect physically or emotionally."
<3
Beautiful. I liken it to what I once felt was a year of shed, sift, savor for me. I am in that phase again frankly. Shed what is not nourishing, sift through the things we don’t notice or just keep doing (to determine whether to keep or shed) and savor the nourishing parts and the joy. Savor feels like a decadent word we don’t use often enough for the really good in our lives.