Reflections on Reciprocity
Choosing people who choose me.
Over the years, I've realized that I've often been a friend to others, but they haven't always been a friend to me. Initially, this realization was painful, leading to feelings of rejection and disappointment. However, I no longer view it as a negative experience or take it personally. Instead, I've learned one of the greatest lessons: you can't force alignment. Sometimes, the connections we believe we have are simply misaligned. This misalignment often stems from differing definitions of friendship and support. What I consider a meaningful connection might not resonate in the same way for someone else, and that's okay.
In this season of my life, I'm choosing people who choose me, prioritizing those who value our connection, and making space for nourishing reciprocal relationships. This intentional shift reflects a deeper understanding of what it means to truly connect with others and the importance of being selective about the relationships we nurture.
What has been most helpful in creating my (small) circle of aligned relationships is having clear, honest conversations about our needs and expectations. I didn’t truly learn how to lean into this until my late twenties. My thirties is when I’ve really had to start practicing using my words and being vulnerable about my feelings within my platonic relationships. The discomfort was, and sometimes can still be, very real, but these conversations are essential. They involve a level of openness that can stretch us and our relationships for the better—they can deepen our friendship foundations and create more authentic connections. By discussing our capacity to meet each other's expectations, we set the stage for relationships built on mutual respect and understanding. Talking openly, honestly, and compassionately with people who make us feel seen, safe, and supported is a game-changer.
Often, I find that many of us weren't taught to use our words and communicate our feelings in healthy ways. In adulthood, I take pride in doing my best to deepen this practice.
Embracing this approach has allowed me to cultivate relationships that are genuinely enriching. It has shifted my focus from quantity to quality, ensuring that the energy I invest in relationships is reciprocated. This mutual investment means that both parties feel valued and appreciated, which is crucial for any healthy relationship. By prioritizing reciprocity and intentionality, I have created a support system that not only fosters emotional well-being but also encourages personal growth.
What I’ve come to realize lately is that I desire to deepen the connections in my life that enhance my overall quality of life. The ones that provide a safe space for emotional expression, personal development, and mutual support. I spent so long in misaligned relationships that felt draining and emotionally chaotic. Going back there isn’t an option for me—and I no longer feel bad for standing ten toes down on that choice.
Finding and maintaining these deeper, more meaningful relationships can be transformative in a world where superficial connections are often the norm, ghosting is the go-to, and fleeing at the first sign of conflict is encouraged. Staying close to people who want to stay close to me reinforces my commitment to showing up authentically, communicating with honesty and kindness, and prioritizing resolution, reciprocity, and repair.
The connections I choose to nurture are those that truly nourish my soul.
Ultimately, my approach to relationships is about recognizing and honoring the importance of mutual effort and shared values. It's about understanding that not every connection is meant to last forever, and that's perfectly fine. By focusing on those who truly align with my values and who are willing to invest in our connection, I am able to create a supportive, enriching, and genuinely fulfilling community. I am grateful to be building a life filled with authentic and aligned relationships. Even if my circle is small, it is mighty and meaningful.
Community Journal Questions (feel free to leave a comment answering one):
What do you want and need in your platonic friendships?
What does alignment look and feel like to you?
Can you be a better friend, if so, how?
In this season of your life, what/who are you choosing?
How are you learning to use your words in your relationships?
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This spoke to me in so many ways. In my 40s I realized that not all friendships are aligned and not all connections are meant to last forever. This was so difficult to accept, especially for long-term friends. I do realize that when we do some deep internal work on ourselves, we are sometimes no longer in alignment and thus must end some friendships. We can be saddened when these relationships end but appreciate all that they brought to our lives. I'm no longer accepting people who use ghosting to avoid difficult conversations or situations. It is manipulative and does not promote clear communication. I am interested in those relationships that provide warmth especially during the coldest days of our lives. As I age, I gravitate towards those interactions that are sustaining. I don't worry about those who exit my life because it means our connection served a God-given purpose, and for that, I am grateful to love and be loved in return.
This was soooo good! Misaligned what a powerful observation! Thank you for always being so relatable without false narratives.