This spoke to me in so many ways. In my 40s I realized that not all friendships are aligned and not all connections are meant to last forever. This was so difficult to accept, especially for long-term friends. I do realize that when we do some deep internal work on ourselves, we are sometimes no longer in alignment and thus must end some friendships. We can be saddened when these relationships end but appreciate all that they brought to our lives. I'm no longer accepting people who use ghosting to avoid difficult conversations or situations. It is manipulative and does not promote clear communication. I am interested in those relationships that provide warmth especially during the coldest days of our lives. As I age, I gravitate towards those interactions that are sustaining. I don't worry about those who exit my life because it means our connection served a God-given purpose, and for that, I am grateful to love and be loved in return.
Thank you so much for this article. I've been thinking about reciprocity a lot recently as I've been navigating new adult friendships. There has been one relationship in particular that has been causing me much reflection on reciprocity as it seemed we were misaligned on how we communicate with each other. However, upon further investigation and curiosity I found out there is a neurodivergent element in play that I never considered. With this new understanding I can see that we are in fact aligned, we care for each other, and we need to give each other grace in the different ways we communicate. Sometimes people are choosing us, but it might not be in the exact way that we have come to expect. This was a big learning for me.
This communication is so important. I've learned to ask what's the best way to communicate and stay in touch. Some prefer a voice call while others enjoy only text messages. Also communicating a need for space is also key.
A few months ago I realized I was always the one reaching out, trying to schedule a get together, texting to check in, etc. So I decided I wasn't going to initiate anymore unless it was reciprocated. And from now on, unless I feel strongly to invite someone to get together, I will take a back seat and allow those friends to come into my life and invite me first. I guess I'm in a season of pulling back and protection. Who knows how long this season will last, but I definitely feel lighter.
I wish I could write this as openly as you have. It really explains my recent “weeding out” from the garden of life. Thank you Alex. Reciprocity is indeed, so important in all relationships.
At this point in my life I gravitate to friends who share similar values. Life is too short to deal with close-minded folks. Alignment, respect and a genuine curiosity are my tribe!
This reflection is right on time. I recently realized I was working way. too. hard. in a client relationship. In truth, I recognized we were misaligned early in but stayed because this client wanted to make it work.
Ending our contract last week was scary but I felt so much more free on the other side. I thought the lesson was learning how to work with difficult people, but the ease I felt upon ending it showed me this was not quite it. Instead, I'm taking recognize your value and trust your gut. Not everyone is for you and you're not for everyone. What a relief to release that burden.
What a powerful reflection on friendship, Alex! Having a strong support system of people who uplift you and make you feel seen is truly irreplaceable. Here's to a life filled with quality friendships!
Last year, I wrote a post titled "Old Friendships"
It was about all the friendships we leave behind as life unfolds in front of us. It hurts, especially as a young adult who is used to having a sense of belongingness all their life, starting from school right until college. But over time, you realise that a handful of true friends (who will stand beside you in good as well as bad times) are more than enough. With time, we start attracting (or retaining) the kind of people who have same values and the same foundation as us. If every friend we made since the day we were born continued to stay in our lives, al of us would be drained by now.
Alignment...this pierced me deeply...how often do we force, push, stretch, + twist our most authentic selves into relationships {platonic + not} that aren't meant for us...this sense of awareness without the pretty packaging is profound. Thank you, Alex!
I was having this very conversation with my sister this morning. I’m seeing a few friendships go by the way side. In Part because I don’t put up with hurtful people anymore. In part because I want to spend my time with people who want to be with me. As we age, quality over quantity seems to be the way. Loved your thoughts here. I appreciate you.
One sided connections hurt when you’re the one who’s trying to maintain the connection with the other and be supportive, but they don’t act the same.
Makes you question your value and if you deserve good connections, but you won’t be with some people forever and those who are willing to stay, those who care and think of you and make sure you meet your needs are those worth thinking of.
I reallyyyyy connected with what you wrote about choosing people who choose you back. It’s so true that real friendships need mutual effort and shared values. Being honest about our needs and expectations can make a big difference, turning our relationships into something more meaningful!!
This was soooo good! Misaligned what a powerful observation! Thank you for always being so relatable without false narratives.
This spoke to me in so many ways. In my 40s I realized that not all friendships are aligned and not all connections are meant to last forever. This was so difficult to accept, especially for long-term friends. I do realize that when we do some deep internal work on ourselves, we are sometimes no longer in alignment and thus must end some friendships. We can be saddened when these relationships end but appreciate all that they brought to our lives. I'm no longer accepting people who use ghosting to avoid difficult conversations or situations. It is manipulative and does not promote clear communication. I am interested in those relationships that provide warmth especially during the coldest days of our lives. As I age, I gravitate towards those interactions that are sustaining. I don't worry about those who exit my life because it means our connection served a God-given purpose, and for that, I am grateful to love and be loved in return.
“Relationships that provide warmth, especially during the coldest days of our lives … “these words say it all. Thank you. I wholeheartedly agree. 💗
Thank you so much for this article. I've been thinking about reciprocity a lot recently as I've been navigating new adult friendships. There has been one relationship in particular that has been causing me much reflection on reciprocity as it seemed we were misaligned on how we communicate with each other. However, upon further investigation and curiosity I found out there is a neurodivergent element in play that I never considered. With this new understanding I can see that we are in fact aligned, we care for each other, and we need to give each other grace in the different ways we communicate. Sometimes people are choosing us, but it might not be in the exact way that we have come to expect. This was a big learning for me.
This communication is so important. I've learned to ask what's the best way to communicate and stay in touch. Some prefer a voice call while others enjoy only text messages. Also communicating a need for space is also key.
Realizing with whom I give more and can let go, and also where I receive more and could be a better friend. Thank you for this.
A few months ago I realized I was always the one reaching out, trying to schedule a get together, texting to check in, etc. So I decided I wasn't going to initiate anymore unless it was reciprocated. And from now on, unless I feel strongly to invite someone to get together, I will take a back seat and allow those friends to come into my life and invite me first. I guess I'm in a season of pulling back and protection. Who knows how long this season will last, but I definitely feel lighter.
I wish I could write this as openly as you have. It really explains my recent “weeding out” from the garden of life. Thank you Alex. Reciprocity is indeed, so important in all relationships.
At this point in my life I gravitate to friends who share similar values. Life is too short to deal with close-minded folks. Alignment, respect and a genuine curiosity are my tribe!
This reflection is right on time. I recently realized I was working way. too. hard. in a client relationship. In truth, I recognized we were misaligned early in but stayed because this client wanted to make it work.
Ending our contract last week was scary but I felt so much more free on the other side. I thought the lesson was learning how to work with difficult people, but the ease I felt upon ending it showed me this was not quite it. Instead, I'm taking recognize your value and trust your gut. Not everyone is for you and you're not for everyone. What a relief to release that burden.
I love this and definitely needed to hear it today! Thank you✨
Likewise, I really needed to hear this today too.
What a powerful reflection on friendship, Alex! Having a strong support system of people who uplift you and make you feel seen is truly irreplaceable. Here's to a life filled with quality friendships!
Last year, I wrote a post titled "Old Friendships"
It was about all the friendships we leave behind as life unfolds in front of us. It hurts, especially as a young adult who is used to having a sense of belongingness all their life, starting from school right until college. But over time, you realise that a handful of true friends (who will stand beside you in good as well as bad times) are more than enough. With time, we start attracting (or retaining) the kind of people who have same values and the same foundation as us. If every friend we made since the day we were born continued to stay in our lives, al of us would be drained by now.
My question to. 😊 not as easy at it was I’m kindergarten
Alignment...this pierced me deeply...how often do we force, push, stretch, + twist our most authentic selves into relationships {platonic + not} that aren't meant for us...this sense of awareness without the pretty packaging is profound. Thank you, Alex!
I was having this very conversation with my sister this morning. I’m seeing a few friendships go by the way side. In Part because I don’t put up with hurtful people anymore. In part because I want to spend my time with people who want to be with me. As we age, quality over quantity seems to be the way. Loved your thoughts here. I appreciate you.
One sided connections hurt when you’re the one who’s trying to maintain the connection with the other and be supportive, but they don’t act the same.
Makes you question your value and if you deserve good connections, but you won’t be with some people forever and those who are willing to stay, those who care and think of you and make sure you meet your needs are those worth thinking of.
I am grateful to be able to read your work, they are always encouraging and uplifting. Today I chose me so I can align my relationships.
Juine
I reallyyyyy connected with what you wrote about choosing people who choose you back. It’s so true that real friendships need mutual effort and shared values. Being honest about our needs and expectations can make a big difference, turning our relationships into something more meaningful!!