Absolutely stunning! Thank you! Reading your words was like a glimpse into my own mind, I’ve journaled many of the same sentiments.
At the end of 2023 I made a conscious decision to stop reaching out to people who never called or checked on me. An interesting thing happened, I heard crickets. It was painful but the resentment I began to feel from “chasing” friendships with people who really put no effort into me, became way too much.
I notice there are times when I’ll reach out still, then regret it afterwards. It’s in my nature to check on people, make time, but I’m tired of not getting the same.
I love what you said that despite your busy life, you make time for nurturing friendships. Years ago I realized that all these people who were “too busy” for me, were busy spending time with people who mattered to them. I deserve to matter. I’ve not been the perfect friend, but I’m someone who will be there and build with those who are interested in mutuality.
Now, I’m building intentional relationships with who make me a part of their busy. I deserve that.
This brought tears to my eyes: “Years ago I realized that all these people who were “too busy” for me, were busy spending time with people who mattered to them.” I felt this exact thing recently. It was an eye opener. Thank you for this comment. 🙏🏾
The realization that others are making time for those why want to see has been a hard pill to swallow for me and my self worth has been in question because of that very thing. Thank you for putting to words what I’ve been feeling within myself.
I read every single word of this two times through. The resonance I felt in your words was palpable. Thank you for sharing even in the tenderness and fear. YES.
Thank you for this post. 100% confirmation. I was just talking to my friend about this very topic this morning. Thoughtfulness is something I yearn for for because I always think of others yet no one considers me because I'm the "strong friend" 2024 I've learned even more how to navigate through my complex relationships with everyone in my life.
I cannot express how deeply this post resonated with me. I am 69 and have had 6 close girlfriends in my life - from age 14 thru this year (2024). One friend of 20 years betrayed me horribly so that one ended in 2006…2 friendships that I’d had for 18 & 25 years respectively ended because of what you wrote - it’s as if you put words (eloquently) to what I’ve felt this year. I stopped calling them, checking in, driving 5+ hours one way to visit in person when I realized: my phone never rang, there was never a knock on my door…and guess what…after 7 months it still hasn’t happened. The 3 friendships that WERE the loving, supportive and reciprocal kind sadly ended in the death of all 3 over the last 12 years - this year the last of the 3 seemed to coincide with the “ghosting” from the other 2 - right when I could have used their emotional support the most. My heart aches for those girls who knew me best, who DID reciprocate, who poured into me as I did them. They took my “secrets” with them - it’s hard being the “last one standing”. I am reminded of a quote I read - “He changed her circle so He could change her life”. Even though I am meeting women at this late age they will never be like those I “grew up” with and that’s a truth & sadness I guess we live with as we age. I think the hardest thing is I was always the one with the crazy, hare brained ideas calling these 3 up with “Hey gotta minute? ‘Cause I have this idea..” and they would listen, encourage, laugh, brain storm with me and then sigh when I moved onto the next “great plan” - but they always happily answered that call knowing that I answered theirs and was their strongest champion. So now I am learning to champion myself because I haven’t given up on my wild, crazy, hare brained ideas!
Sending you love, Carol! Thank you for sharing your experience. I really appreciate your thoughts. I’m so sorry to read that your closest one’s have transitioned. I hope their effort and care reminds you daily that reciprocal relationships are possible. What a blessing it must’ve been to be loved / held by them. 🩶🙏🏾
I needed exactly this today. Thank you for sharing. I have printed it and pasted in my journal. It made me tear up but feel affirmed at the same time. In 1978, my first year of teaching, my first graders put on a little play called Sam the Sad Circus Clown. The song we all sang from the play stays with me to this day…..I hope some of my students remember it, too. “If you want to be a friend, be a friend. If you want to see a smile, be a smile. If you want to have fun with each and everyone, be a friend, be a friend, be a friend.”
Over the past 10 years, I've felt that I've been seen as the one who has it "all together." (and the next few sentences).
It has been interesting for people to see through this outer perspective about me because I went through a few experiences where I obviously was not okay, nor did I have it all together. In some ways, I was surprised at how little support I received, particularly because I always showed up and supported when needed.
But in other ways, I wasn't surprised. I just didn't realize that people saw me as such a "strong person." So it never dawned on them to come support me. And I was so mired in my struggles, it never dawned on me to ask.
Thank you for putting words to a few things that have become signposts in my experience this year. 🩵
"...but I do want to be considered, to feel like someone is holding me in their heart with the same tenderness I extend to others." It's not selfish to want reciprocity. It's human.
Thank you for this, Alex. This made my eyes sting a lot! Never have truer words been penned, and as 2024 nears a close, may we givers never stop giving but know our worth and ask for exactly what we need in 2025 without feeling guilty!!
I can’t even begin to tell you how much your tender words are my recent thoughts and how much this post validates my feelings. I thought I was resentful but these comments show that it’s not the case, thank goodness for community!
I spent Christmas at home on my own with the flu, in bed for days and truly felt alone (and I live alone, I’m content with my solitude) but there’s a reason why they say to check on your “strong” friends.
I think Reciprocity might be my word of the year for 2025. Thank you, sending love X
This was so beautifully written. And true. I think of this often. What I’ve learned in my life is that love languages are real. For example- I have a dear sister friend that gives me really beautiful and thoughtful gifts- regularly. And not just things - but experiences. I reciprocate -of course. But what I need from her- or shall I say- what I want from her is time. She doesn’t have a lot of that. If she calls me with a problem or a story- I’m available for her. She is almost 80% of the time- not available for me in this way. I’ve had huge things happen - when I needed her and she was unavailable- in the moment. She’ll double back with an extraordinary gift. But that isn’t what I need. I say this to say- people love you with what they have. I, like you- am learning- to say what I need and go towards the people that give it.
This part really resonated: "Naming our needs is an act of self-love, a way of saying that—we, too, are worthy of the care and thoughtfulness we give others. Open, honest, and compassionate communication is a blessing to the right people, not a hindrance." It is such an AND proposition, and we sometimes made to feel like our very human need for reciprocity is unseemly. Possibly because folks misinterpret reciprocity for transactional? I don't know. Maybe there's something ancestral... giving without being seen or appreciated that's gotten in the water culturally. All I know, is that it does hurt. I feel you. Thank you for writing this.
Oh I love this! I have been thinking the same thing over the last few months being the friends that always reaches out and tries to stay connected! Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing what a lot of us have been thinking but hadn’t sat with those feelings. Kudos to you! Keep being you. Nothing is wrong with being a giver but definitely make sure that you know you deserve to be celebrated and appreciated!
Thank you for sharing these deep feelings. I can resonate with many of your reflections here. It does feel conflicted when we give out of love and feel sadness when it isn't returned. As you've said, we are human. We will keep giving because this is what makes us whole in the messiness. Peace.
The comfort in this essay is healing. I’ve been feeling the same exact way. Who is checking on me? And how do I fulfill the need for connection when the friends in your circle are busy in their own lives? I find myself seeking new friends and experiences - hoping to find that feeling of comfort.
It’s not selfish and it’s human. I appreciate your honesty and space for those of us who feel the same.
The unspoken truth of this that had me hearing myself in my head say “whoa, wait…what. you aren’t alone in this feeling? this…is true for others.” Im gobsmacked. Utterly caught off guard by how this hits. Wow.
Absolutely stunning! Thank you! Reading your words was like a glimpse into my own mind, I’ve journaled many of the same sentiments.
At the end of 2023 I made a conscious decision to stop reaching out to people who never called or checked on me. An interesting thing happened, I heard crickets. It was painful but the resentment I began to feel from “chasing” friendships with people who really put no effort into me, became way too much.
I notice there are times when I’ll reach out still, then regret it afterwards. It’s in my nature to check on people, make time, but I’m tired of not getting the same.
I love what you said that despite your busy life, you make time for nurturing friendships. Years ago I realized that all these people who were “too busy” for me, were busy spending time with people who mattered to them. I deserve to matter. I’ve not been the perfect friend, but I’m someone who will be there and build with those who are interested in mutuality.
Now, I’m building intentional relationships with who make me a part of their busy. I deserve that.
Thank you for such a profound easy. So necessary!
Blessings!
This brought tears to my eyes: “Years ago I realized that all these people who were “too busy” for me, were busy spending time with people who mattered to them.” I felt this exact thing recently. It was an eye opener. Thank you for this comment. 🙏🏾
You’re welcome! I appreciate you!
The realization that others are making time for those why want to see has been a hard pill to swallow for me and my self worth has been in question because of that very thing. Thank you for putting to words what I’ve been feeling within myself.
You’re welcome!
I read every single word of this two times through. The resonance I felt in your words was palpable. Thank you for sharing even in the tenderness and fear. YES.
Big love, Nona. 🩶🙏🏾🩶🙏🏾🩶🙏🏾
Thank you for this post. 100% confirmation. I was just talking to my friend about this very topic this morning. Thoughtfulness is something I yearn for for because I always think of others yet no one considers me because I'm the "strong friend" 2024 I've learned even more how to navigate through my complex relationships with everyone in my life.
Thank YOU for taking the time to read it. Sending you love!
I cannot express how deeply this post resonated with me. I am 69 and have had 6 close girlfriends in my life - from age 14 thru this year (2024). One friend of 20 years betrayed me horribly so that one ended in 2006…2 friendships that I’d had for 18 & 25 years respectively ended because of what you wrote - it’s as if you put words (eloquently) to what I’ve felt this year. I stopped calling them, checking in, driving 5+ hours one way to visit in person when I realized: my phone never rang, there was never a knock on my door…and guess what…after 7 months it still hasn’t happened. The 3 friendships that WERE the loving, supportive and reciprocal kind sadly ended in the death of all 3 over the last 12 years - this year the last of the 3 seemed to coincide with the “ghosting” from the other 2 - right when I could have used their emotional support the most. My heart aches for those girls who knew me best, who DID reciprocate, who poured into me as I did them. They took my “secrets” with them - it’s hard being the “last one standing”. I am reminded of a quote I read - “He changed her circle so He could change her life”. Even though I am meeting women at this late age they will never be like those I “grew up” with and that’s a truth & sadness I guess we live with as we age. I think the hardest thing is I was always the one with the crazy, hare brained ideas calling these 3 up with “Hey gotta minute? ‘Cause I have this idea..” and they would listen, encourage, laugh, brain storm with me and then sigh when I moved onto the next “great plan” - but they always happily answered that call knowing that I answered theirs and was their strongest champion. So now I am learning to champion myself because I haven’t given up on my wild, crazy, hare brained ideas!
Sending you love, Carol! Thank you for sharing your experience. I really appreciate your thoughts. I’m so sorry to read that your closest one’s have transitioned. I hope their effort and care reminds you daily that reciprocal relationships are possible. What a blessing it must’ve been to be loved / held by them. 🩶🙏🏾
Thank you - yes, a lifetime of memories, joy & heartaches shared between us. I was and am blessed. Wishing you a beautiful 2025!
Sharing this - writing it - provides strength. Thank you. Such a difficult topic and life lesson
My emotions 10000% it feels so lonely sometimes. I desire relationships that are equally yoked 😢 no one knows the loneliness my heart feels inside
Alex, I could cry. You beautifully wrote exactly how i feel. Thank you so so much.
🥹😭🫂
Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty. Your writing truly makes the world a better place 🫶🏾.
I needed exactly this today. Thank you for sharing. I have printed it and pasted in my journal. It made me tear up but feel affirmed at the same time. In 1978, my first year of teaching, my first graders put on a little play called Sam the Sad Circus Clown. The song we all sang from the play stays with me to this day…..I hope some of my students remember it, too. “If you want to be a friend, be a friend. If you want to see a smile, be a smile. If you want to have fun with each and everyone, be a friend, be a friend, be a friend.”
Ugh this:
Over the past 10 years, I've felt that I've been seen as the one who has it "all together." (and the next few sentences).
It has been interesting for people to see through this outer perspective about me because I went through a few experiences where I obviously was not okay, nor did I have it all together. In some ways, I was surprised at how little support I received, particularly because I always showed up and supported when needed.
But in other ways, I wasn't surprised. I just didn't realize that people saw me as such a "strong person." So it never dawned on them to come support me. And I was so mired in my struggles, it never dawned on me to ask.
Thank you for putting words to a few things that have become signposts in my experience this year. 🩵
"...but I do want to be considered, to feel like someone is holding me in their heart with the same tenderness I extend to others." It's not selfish to want reciprocity. It's human.
Thank you for this, Alex. This made my eyes sting a lot! Never have truer words been penned, and as 2024 nears a close, may we givers never stop giving but know our worth and ask for exactly what we need in 2025 without feeling guilty!!
🥹🙏🏾 thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. Peace to you!
I can’t even begin to tell you how much your tender words are my recent thoughts and how much this post validates my feelings. I thought I was resentful but these comments show that it’s not the case, thank goodness for community!
I spent Christmas at home on my own with the flu, in bed for days and truly felt alone (and I live alone, I’m content with my solitude) but there’s a reason why they say to check on your “strong” friends.
I think Reciprocity might be my word of the year for 2025. Thank you, sending love X
This was so beautifully written. And true. I think of this often. What I’ve learned in my life is that love languages are real. For example- I have a dear sister friend that gives me really beautiful and thoughtful gifts- regularly. And not just things - but experiences. I reciprocate -of course. But what I need from her- or shall I say- what I want from her is time. She doesn’t have a lot of that. If she calls me with a problem or a story- I’m available for her. She is almost 80% of the time- not available for me in this way. I’ve had huge things happen - when I needed her and she was unavailable- in the moment. She’ll double back with an extraordinary gift. But that isn’t what I need. I say this to say- people love you with what they have. I, like you- am learning- to say what I need and go towards the people that give it.
This part really resonated: "Naming our needs is an act of self-love, a way of saying that—we, too, are worthy of the care and thoughtfulness we give others. Open, honest, and compassionate communication is a blessing to the right people, not a hindrance." It is such an AND proposition, and we sometimes made to feel like our very human need for reciprocity is unseemly. Possibly because folks misinterpret reciprocity for transactional? I don't know. Maybe there's something ancestral... giving without being seen or appreciated that's gotten in the water culturally. All I know, is that it does hurt. I feel you. Thank you for writing this.
Oh I love this! I have been thinking the same thing over the last few months being the friends that always reaches out and tries to stay connected! Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing what a lot of us have been thinking but hadn’t sat with those feelings. Kudos to you! Keep being you. Nothing is wrong with being a giver but definitely make sure that you know you deserve to be celebrated and appreciated!
🙏🏾🩶 thank you for reading! Glad I’m not alone in feeling this way.
Thank you for sharing these deep feelings. I can resonate with many of your reflections here. It does feel conflicted when we give out of love and feel sadness when it isn't returned. As you've said, we are human. We will keep giving because this is what makes us whole in the messiness. Peace.
The comfort in this essay is healing. I’ve been feeling the same exact way. Who is checking on me? And how do I fulfill the need for connection when the friends in your circle are busy in their own lives? I find myself seeking new friends and experiences - hoping to find that feeling of comfort.
It’s not selfish and it’s human. I appreciate your honesty and space for those of us who feel the same.
The unspoken truth of this that had me hearing myself in my head say “whoa, wait…what. you aren’t alone in this feeling? this…is true for others.” Im gobsmacked. Utterly caught off guard by how this hits. Wow.