Self-belief has always been difficult for me when it comes to interpersonal relationships and even more so in romantic relationships or people I’m interested in. I have such loving and amazing friendships in my life where I feel seen and chosen, but can’t seem to understand why my romantic relationships don’t work out or I’m never someone’s person. This feeling causes me to feel lonely at times, but not alone. I have people that love and support me, but bc I know that I’m still working on myself and have done well in setting boundaries, I won’t betray myself to settle for less than I deserve, so I choose to be single which in turn feels lonely. Ultimately, I’m afraid of giving in to relying only on myself bc I feel like I will reject romantic love when it does come along bc I’m afraid of getting hurt. There’s such a fine line that I have a hard time walking, so I’m learning to be okay by myself and coming to terms that no one will look after me like I will and even if no one is choosing me, I can always choose myself. I still go through ups and downs, but I hope to find a good balance one day.
This week I had a piece that I wrote published by the University of Texas, Hogg Foundation for Mental Health.
This is huge for me! I celebrated myself. Many of my reading audience celebrated the piece and what it does to create awareness for people with autism and mental health challenges.
The one person who I really wanted to celebrate with me, made me feel unimportant. He chose to flip through his phone and play a game on his computer. Then he used the excuse that he hadn’t had time to read it. He finally did after I asked him twice. Man! I was pissed that I allowed him to quell my excitement.
It was eye opening. The only one who counts is me, and the people who naturally celebrate me.
In this very moment, this micro moment of burbling tears, I am celebrating reading the courage to feel my feelings all the way through. I am celebrating allowing the tears to flow for no other reason than I feel disappointed that what I feel and have shown to another is not being reciprocated in the way I would have wished. And although there are a million words rolling around in my mind, I am proud of myself for not trying to tame the intensity of my feels with syntax. Instead, I write this as hot tears flow down my face and I let the waves come. Them simply coming is enough. No explanation needed to my inner critic or anyone else. I need me now, and this post reminds me that I'm deserving of me right now and my own attention is enough.
Thanks for this, Alex! I'm currently facing a storm in my personal life, and reading this positively changed some perspectives. I choose to see the light. 💛
Alex, the news that you will be in Minneapolis sharing yourself with community feels like a giant push and loving gift from the Universe to me. I will be driving two and a half hours to see you. Thank you for shining brightly. Thank you for your courage, consistency and strength. You are a light 💖
Self trust is teaching me that I can always change my narrative even if I've been in a years long season of struggling to trust myself. I feel like more and more I'm realizing that change can happen "quickly" even though I've actually been doing the inner work to trust myself more without really knowing it. Just by growing as a person and trying to be more self aware ♥️
4. Where did you learn to shrink yourself and bite your tongue?
5. How are you unlearning that you aren’t enough?
I've had two enormous life events in this lifetime. One, I "came out" at age 50. Two, I suddenly lost my youngest son, age 24, to a drug overdose at age 57. After making the big choice to come out at 50 was my choice, but it still came with consequences. I celebrated the mini-moments along the way, finding new friends, enjoying my own company for a while, gardening, etc.
When my son suddenly left this realm, I had to learn to self-trust. I hadn't for most of my life. Losing Thomas changed me for the better in that I see and am grateful for more of the mini-moments along the way; I trust my gut more often than not; I no longer shrink myself and I no longer feel I have to everywhere at everything. For many years, I bit my tongue a lot of the time, especially in my first heterosexual relationship. Many times it seemed the opinion was that I did nothing just right.
When I met my now wife, Helen, I had told her I didn't cook well. Then I did, and she asked why I said such a thing, that my food was delicious. I said I guess I had just gotten used to hearing my food wasn't liked. Now we cook together sometimes, and when we don't, she always enjoys the meals I cook.
Each day, I write something I'm grateful for. That next breath I get to take, the next moment I get to spend with the love of my life, my gratitude for the grief group that helped get me through, my gardens, our home, and on and on and on. I know now that I am enough, I am loved, I have the entire Universe conspiring in my favor, every moment of every day. I just had to slow down and experience that phenomenon.
Really beautiful work. I love that you're using the power of intentions to heal and help navigate a life of gratitude and joy. You courageous one, I'm cheering you on!
Love this writing piece. I’m on a journey to self-healing, and this has been a reoccurring obstacle. Although I’m learning to negate those thoughts by focusing on the present moment. Practicing gratitude and learning how to be patient with myself. Your work is unlocking a new level in me, and I’m grateful to have come across your work.
Self-belief has always been difficult for me when it comes to interpersonal relationships and even more so in romantic relationships or people I’m interested in. I have such loving and amazing friendships in my life where I feel seen and chosen, but can’t seem to understand why my romantic relationships don’t work out or I’m never someone’s person. This feeling causes me to feel lonely at times, but not alone. I have people that love and support me, but bc I know that I’m still working on myself and have done well in setting boundaries, I won’t betray myself to settle for less than I deserve, so I choose to be single which in turn feels lonely. Ultimately, I’m afraid of giving in to relying only on myself bc I feel like I will reject romantic love when it does come along bc I’m afraid of getting hurt. There’s such a fine line that I have a hard time walking, so I’m learning to be okay by myself and coming to terms that no one will look after me like I will and even if no one is choosing me, I can always choose myself. I still go through ups and downs, but I hope to find a good balance one day.
This week I had a piece that I wrote published by the University of Texas, Hogg Foundation for Mental Health.
This is huge for me! I celebrated myself. Many of my reading audience celebrated the piece and what it does to create awareness for people with autism and mental health challenges.
The one person who I really wanted to celebrate with me, made me feel unimportant. He chose to flip through his phone and play a game on his computer. Then he used the excuse that he hadn’t had time to read it. He finally did after I asked him twice. Man! I was pissed that I allowed him to quell my excitement.
It was eye opening. The only one who counts is me, and the people who naturally celebrate me.
Thank you for this timely message.
On to the next!
In this very moment, this micro moment of burbling tears, I am celebrating reading the courage to feel my feelings all the way through. I am celebrating allowing the tears to flow for no other reason than I feel disappointed that what I feel and have shown to another is not being reciprocated in the way I would have wished. And although there are a million words rolling around in my mind, I am proud of myself for not trying to tame the intensity of my feels with syntax. Instead, I write this as hot tears flow down my face and I let the waves come. Them simply coming is enough. No explanation needed to my inner critic or anyone else. I need me now, and this post reminds me that I'm deserving of me right now and my own attention is enough.
Thanks for this, Alex! I'm currently facing a storm in my personal life, and reading this positively changed some perspectives. I choose to see the light. 💛
I feel like I continue to bite my tongue, at work . I am learning to slowly say things , but I feel like I bite my tongue.
Alex, the news that you will be in Minneapolis sharing yourself with community feels like a giant push and loving gift from the Universe to me. I will be driving two and a half hours to see you. Thank you for shining brightly. Thank you for your courage, consistency and strength. You are a light 💖
Self trust is teaching me that I can always change my narrative even if I've been in a years long season of struggling to trust myself. I feel like more and more I'm realizing that change can happen "quickly" even though I've actually been doing the inner work to trust myself more without really knowing it. Just by growing as a person and trying to be more self aware ♥️
Thank you for these wise words. They really came at the right time for me. Self acceptance is so important but can be such a struggle. ♥
Keep on healing! I’m inspired by your multifaceted expression ❤️
“The only magic we have is what we make in ourselves, the muscles we build up on the inside, the sense of belief we create from nothing.”
Dorothy Allison.
1. What mini-moments are you celebrating?
2. What is self-trust teaching you?
3. What feels hard about self-belief this season?
4. Where did you learn to shrink yourself and bite your tongue?
5. How are you unlearning that you aren’t enough?
I've had two enormous life events in this lifetime. One, I "came out" at age 50. Two, I suddenly lost my youngest son, age 24, to a drug overdose at age 57. After making the big choice to come out at 50 was my choice, but it still came with consequences. I celebrated the mini-moments along the way, finding new friends, enjoying my own company for a while, gardening, etc.
When my son suddenly left this realm, I had to learn to self-trust. I hadn't for most of my life. Losing Thomas changed me for the better in that I see and am grateful for more of the mini-moments along the way; I trust my gut more often than not; I no longer shrink myself and I no longer feel I have to everywhere at everything. For many years, I bit my tongue a lot of the time, especially in my first heterosexual relationship. Many times it seemed the opinion was that I did nothing just right.
When I met my now wife, Helen, I had told her I didn't cook well. Then I did, and she asked why I said such a thing, that my food was delicious. I said I guess I had just gotten used to hearing my food wasn't liked. Now we cook together sometimes, and when we don't, she always enjoys the meals I cook.
Each day, I write something I'm grateful for. That next breath I get to take, the next moment I get to spend with the love of my life, my gratitude for the grief group that helped get me through, my gardens, our home, and on and on and on. I know now that I am enough, I am loved, I have the entire Universe conspiring in my favor, every moment of every day. I just had to slow down and experience that phenomenon.
Sheryl
Really beautiful work. I love that you're using the power of intentions to heal and help navigate a life of gratitude and joy. You courageous one, I'm cheering you on!
Love this writing piece. I’m on a journey to self-healing, and this has been a reoccurring obstacle. Although I’m learning to negate those thoughts by focusing on the present moment. Practicing gratitude and learning how to be patient with myself. Your work is unlocking a new level in me, and I’m grateful to have come across your work.
Absolutely love this.
Looking forward to seeing you in Minneapolis!