This is the journey I am currently on, accepting people as they are and not trying to make things the way I feel they should be. I see that me constantly trying to control the way others show up in my life has continually caused me pain. My fear of rejection and abandonment are the underlying issues I am working to resolve. I can’t make people change, I can’t make people stay and I can’t make people love me. But I can show up for me 💜
Thank you for this one! When I was younger, I would take someone's unwillingness to change as a personal hit, thinking there was something in me that wasn't enough. Learning that we can't change others has made life much more peaceful 💛
Thanks for these great questions! Change, for me, is learning to attune to myself. I have abandoned myself over and over again while looking outward for validation. I entered many dead end relationships only because the other person showed interest. Now I am learning to let go of what other people think and find out what I think. And what I am learning is that even being a good example of healing does not guarantee that others will follow.
The biggest lesson so far for my healing journey and personal growth has been letting go. I always thought I had to add more things, but for me it has been relieving myself of anything or anyone that no longer aligns with who I have become ♥️
This one hit home for me. My first marriage sounds like that relationship. It lasted for 17 years and 4 years prior to the start, and yielded 2 children. When I filed for divorce 14 years ago, I allowed the realization to settle in that people can’t give you what they don’t have. That truth has helped me more than I can put into words. Thanks for your vulnerable share as always Alex! Your words are like a balm for the soul of those who are wounded without words. 🤎
Change looks like for me staying rooted in love and not trying to figure out every single thing. What I am letting go as I grow is the constant struggle of feeling like I need to tell my side of the story. I am grateful that I have learned acceptance.
Ah! Change rooted in love. That's amazing. I think when we are able to start noticing when we are doing things out of love or fear it is a total game changer. I can relate to a lot of this!
I enjoyed reading this, but I think there's a few things worth noting. I write this with the recent experience of having someone that I was close to, try to change me.
I think people that try to change others thinking that they're coming from a good place and trying to "help" someone they love can actually be really selfish. It's essentially saying, "I know what's best for you, and you clearly don't." I don't think anyone knows what's best for us, but ourselves. No one else is in our shoes, but us. To have anyone come in and try to change us for any reason is hurtful, because they're coming from a place where they think they are above us and "know better."
I think that it's also worth noting that, just because someone else can't see the work that we're doing on ourselves to better ourselves and our lives, doesn't mean it's not happening. There are so many ways to make improvements on ourselves and we don't have to share those details with everyone, nor do we owe them those details. Change is for ourselves. We don't need to provide a report card to those in our lives, so that we can feel worthy of the bond.
I'm still working through the hurt from the damages that the person that tried to change me left, as you can probably tell through this comment. But I really do think it's important to note that feeling the need to change someone is very revealing of character and, in my experience, lack there of. What are you avoiding changing in your own life that you then shift to someone else's life and what you think they should change? What change are you avoiding? It's a need for control and power in a way, and when you shift that toward someone you love, it's actually really damaging.
Alex-I love what you said in the end that your job isn't to change people, but to accept and love people as they are. I said something very similar to this to the individual that made efforts to essentially tell me how I should live my life and I stand by it. It's our job to accept and love people exactly as they are and for exactly who they are. If that doesn't align with us that's perfectly okay. We can then love people from a distance. But it's not our job to mold people into who we think they should be.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I appreciate reading multiple perspectives. I came to leave a question for the group, which I'll share in more detail in a separate comment, and I was particularly interested in getting your perspective: what if a person's unwillingness/lack of capacity to change is impacting someone without the ability to advocate for their needs (i.e. a child)?
Any thoughts about that sort of situation or what would feel supportive to the person who is not changing?
Hi! I just read your comment below, so I'll reply here with my thoughts for you.
I think everything is all so situational. In my experience that I mentioned, essentially I was making changes to my life, but it didn't look like the kind of changes that someone in my life thought that I should be making. And that was frustrating, because there's not just one way to go about changing or improving your life. And I also wasn't telling this individual every single move I was making and they kind of acted like I owed them an explanation, which I wasn't okay with. There was certainly a stepping on toes kind of situation in my case and it was really insulting and frustrating. The situation you describe sounds much different, so I don't know if the same perspective would apply. I think it of course depends on what's being done, or not done, or said, or not said, to the child that is impacting said child negatively. I absolutely believe that someone does not need to be physically abusive to cause harm. If you are in a position to model how the interaction should go, maybe that would be helpful in this situation. For example, and I don't know if this would apply to the situation that you mentioned, but just to give an example of my perspective here: if a child is being forced to hug/kiss, etc. a close family member and they very much don't want to, but Grandma or whoever is insisting it, that could be a great way to step in and say, "(Child's name) does not want to hug and that's okay. Let's wave to Grandma or maybe give her a high five if you feel like it." Or maybe the situation is comments about the child's body, you could step in and say "(child's name's) body is not a topic of conversation. Let's talk about how excited (child's name) is for their school field trip."
I guess not knowing the specific ways that someone is being harmful to a child makes it a bit difficult to give feedback here-and I completely understand not disclosing all the information! No worries there and you don't owe anyone a full explanation. But from what you've expressed, I'd say if the child is able to see you ultimately stand up and perhaps stand between (physically if necessary) between the child and the individual who is harmful, and articulate a way to stand up for them, they will then have a model (you) that will help them understand how to speak up for themselves against any harmful person. I think this will also help them understand right from wrong and loving vs. harmful/hurtful. Depending on the age of the child, it might also be good to have one-on-one conversations with them about whatever situation occurred. "How did it make you feel when (harmful person) said/did that?" "Did it help you that I said this in response to them? How did that make you feel?" I think an open dialogue could be so helpful here, so that they see you as the example when it's happening, but there's also discussion afterwards, so that the child can be seen and understood and also so that they can practice vocalizing how they feel in a healthy environment.
I hope that answers your question! Let me know if you need me to expand or need more feedback or anything. Best of luck to you and the child in this situation. ❤️
Change for me , is if doesn’t feel good .. learning that past relationships with men in particular.. letting go physically and mentally can be hard, but it’s necessary to move forward to what I deserve and desire. I wanted to change them but it wasn’t my place to do so.
I love this so so much🤍 and I am letting go of rushing :) literally in every area of my life.
Because when we rush, it’s an attempt to make things happen at our terms and timings and that’s just not how the Universe works. And so, it will only exhaust us. I am learning to let go of the timeline and enjoy moment by moment✨
"What are you grateful to have learned about not trying to change anyone?"
Within the last year, I've coined and deliberately lived by my phrase: "Space and Grace." I know that I am only directly responsible for myself. I know and understand that people and circumstances change every day. I also know that I'm not responsible for changing those things or stressing over those things. With that said and continually being understood, I give circumstances and especially people the space to be human and be unsure and be picky and be dumb and be smart and be any and every thing a human can be. Even more importantly, I give grace to people to be human and exercise their humanly rights and duties.
There's no reason to harbor anything, in my opinion, and it's a much lighter load to let things go and move forward. Even if that means cutting ties with people, circumstances and situations.
I have had things go on in my life that I've learned so much from. I'm grateful for it all. I move and think in only the way I know I would and should. I no longer allow things outside of myself to influence how I move and think. I'm only here to cover my bases and stay committed to who I am.
"No matter how much we love someone, there's nothing we can say or do to get them to be better if they aren't ready. Change happens on a personal and introspective level." -- this lesson right here came at the expense of losing a very good friend of over 17 years. i realized that we were on two different planes of life and were just not meshing...lessons are hard but staying stagnant is detrimental.
My job is not to force but to accept people for who and where they are in life. -- This is exactly what I learnt from my experience and it is my life goal!
Change looks like not being self critical in alone time and thinking there’s always something different or better I should be doing. I’m letting go of the thought that there’s anything or anyone else that needs to be present right now for me to have peace. Im letting go of judgement, self judgement. Im grateful to learn of not trying to change anyone how much more beautiful they are in reality than in your imagination or how you want to see them.
I love this post, Alex! It came at just the right time for me. I have a question for the group and would love to read many perspectives:
what if a grown person's unwillingness/lack of capacity to change is impacting someone without the ability to advocate for their needs (e.g. a child)?
I'm not talking about dramatically violent situations for which there are some protections built into systems and structures, I'm referring to the tiny cuts/wounds/harm that build up over time and shape how we all move within the world.
I 100% agree that I can only control my actions and how I move in spaces. And I work supporting grown people in building more loving and liberated environments with the main focus being centering the needs of children, who often are not able to remove themselves from harmful situations and are just learning how to advocate for their needs. Curious what folks think/feel about the balance between offering "space and grace" (see comment above) to grown people for their growth, while helping young people stay safe and minimize harm.
A beautifully written and thoughtfully shared experience, Alex. You've hit on something that impacts so many people - feeling that we can, or even that we should try to change others.
Our responsibility is to be kind to ourselves and kind to others. We each live in our own little world. We can visit the other worlds, but we can't change them.
This is the journey I am currently on, accepting people as they are and not trying to make things the way I feel they should be. I see that me constantly trying to control the way others show up in my life has continually caused me pain. My fear of rejection and abandonment are the underlying issues I am working to resolve. I can’t make people change, I can’t make people stay and I can’t make people love me. But I can show up for me 💜
Thank you for this one! When I was younger, I would take someone's unwillingness to change as a personal hit, thinking there was something in me that wasn't enough. Learning that we can't change others has made life much more peaceful 💛
At this time I’m doing my best to let go of self-criticism. It is definitely a process.
Thanks for these great questions! Change, for me, is learning to attune to myself. I have abandoned myself over and over again while looking outward for validation. I entered many dead end relationships only because the other person showed interest. Now I am learning to let go of what other people think and find out what I think. And what I am learning is that even being a good example of healing does not guarantee that others will follow.
The biggest lesson so far for my healing journey and personal growth has been letting go. I always thought I had to add more things, but for me it has been relieving myself of anything or anyone that no longer aligns with who I have become ♥️
This one hit home for me. My first marriage sounds like that relationship. It lasted for 17 years and 4 years prior to the start, and yielded 2 children. When I filed for divorce 14 years ago, I allowed the realization to settle in that people can’t give you what they don’t have. That truth has helped me more than I can put into words. Thanks for your vulnerable share as always Alex! Your words are like a balm for the soul of those who are wounded without words. 🤎
Change looks like for me staying rooted in love and not trying to figure out every single thing. What I am letting go as I grow is the constant struggle of feeling like I need to tell my side of the story. I am grateful that I have learned acceptance.
Ah! Change rooted in love. That's amazing. I think when we are able to start noticing when we are doing things out of love or fear it is a total game changer. I can relate to a lot of this!
I enjoyed reading this, but I think there's a few things worth noting. I write this with the recent experience of having someone that I was close to, try to change me.
I think people that try to change others thinking that they're coming from a good place and trying to "help" someone they love can actually be really selfish. It's essentially saying, "I know what's best for you, and you clearly don't." I don't think anyone knows what's best for us, but ourselves. No one else is in our shoes, but us. To have anyone come in and try to change us for any reason is hurtful, because they're coming from a place where they think they are above us and "know better."
I think that it's also worth noting that, just because someone else can't see the work that we're doing on ourselves to better ourselves and our lives, doesn't mean it's not happening. There are so many ways to make improvements on ourselves and we don't have to share those details with everyone, nor do we owe them those details. Change is for ourselves. We don't need to provide a report card to those in our lives, so that we can feel worthy of the bond.
I'm still working through the hurt from the damages that the person that tried to change me left, as you can probably tell through this comment. But I really do think it's important to note that feeling the need to change someone is very revealing of character and, in my experience, lack there of. What are you avoiding changing in your own life that you then shift to someone else's life and what you think they should change? What change are you avoiding? It's a need for control and power in a way, and when you shift that toward someone you love, it's actually really damaging.
Alex-I love what you said in the end that your job isn't to change people, but to accept and love people as they are. I said something very similar to this to the individual that made efforts to essentially tell me how I should live my life and I stand by it. It's our job to accept and love people exactly as they are and for exactly who they are. If that doesn't align with us that's perfectly okay. We can then love people from a distance. But it's not our job to mold people into who we think they should be.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I appreciate reading multiple perspectives. I came to leave a question for the group, which I'll share in more detail in a separate comment, and I was particularly interested in getting your perspective: what if a person's unwillingness/lack of capacity to change is impacting someone without the ability to advocate for their needs (i.e. a child)?
Any thoughts about that sort of situation or what would feel supportive to the person who is not changing?
Hi! I just read your comment below, so I'll reply here with my thoughts for you.
I think everything is all so situational. In my experience that I mentioned, essentially I was making changes to my life, but it didn't look like the kind of changes that someone in my life thought that I should be making. And that was frustrating, because there's not just one way to go about changing or improving your life. And I also wasn't telling this individual every single move I was making and they kind of acted like I owed them an explanation, which I wasn't okay with. There was certainly a stepping on toes kind of situation in my case and it was really insulting and frustrating. The situation you describe sounds much different, so I don't know if the same perspective would apply. I think it of course depends on what's being done, or not done, or said, or not said, to the child that is impacting said child negatively. I absolutely believe that someone does not need to be physically abusive to cause harm. If you are in a position to model how the interaction should go, maybe that would be helpful in this situation. For example, and I don't know if this would apply to the situation that you mentioned, but just to give an example of my perspective here: if a child is being forced to hug/kiss, etc. a close family member and they very much don't want to, but Grandma or whoever is insisting it, that could be a great way to step in and say, "(Child's name) does not want to hug and that's okay. Let's wave to Grandma or maybe give her a high five if you feel like it." Or maybe the situation is comments about the child's body, you could step in and say "(child's name's) body is not a topic of conversation. Let's talk about how excited (child's name) is for their school field trip."
I guess not knowing the specific ways that someone is being harmful to a child makes it a bit difficult to give feedback here-and I completely understand not disclosing all the information! No worries there and you don't owe anyone a full explanation. But from what you've expressed, I'd say if the child is able to see you ultimately stand up and perhaps stand between (physically if necessary) between the child and the individual who is harmful, and articulate a way to stand up for them, they will then have a model (you) that will help them understand how to speak up for themselves against any harmful person. I think this will also help them understand right from wrong and loving vs. harmful/hurtful. Depending on the age of the child, it might also be good to have one-on-one conversations with them about whatever situation occurred. "How did it make you feel when (harmful person) said/did that?" "Did it help you that I said this in response to them? How did that make you feel?" I think an open dialogue could be so helpful here, so that they see you as the example when it's happening, but there's also discussion afterwards, so that the child can be seen and understood and also so that they can practice vocalizing how they feel in a healthy environment.
I hope that answers your question! Let me know if you need me to expand or need more feedback or anything. Best of luck to you and the child in this situation. ❤️
Change for me , is if doesn’t feel good .. learning that past relationships with men in particular.. letting go physically and mentally can be hard, but it’s necessary to move forward to what I deserve and desire. I wanted to change them but it wasn’t my place to do so.
I love this so so much🤍 and I am letting go of rushing :) literally in every area of my life.
Because when we rush, it’s an attempt to make things happen at our terms and timings and that’s just not how the Universe works. And so, it will only exhaust us. I am learning to let go of the timeline and enjoy moment by moment✨
I'm speaking, or responding, to the question:
"What are you grateful to have learned about not trying to change anyone?"
Within the last year, I've coined and deliberately lived by my phrase: "Space and Grace." I know that I am only directly responsible for myself. I know and understand that people and circumstances change every day. I also know that I'm not responsible for changing those things or stressing over those things. With that said and continually being understood, I give circumstances and especially people the space to be human and be unsure and be picky and be dumb and be smart and be any and every thing a human can be. Even more importantly, I give grace to people to be human and exercise their humanly rights and duties.
There's no reason to harbor anything, in my opinion, and it's a much lighter load to let things go and move forward. Even if that means cutting ties with people, circumstances and situations.
I have had things go on in my life that I've learned so much from. I'm grateful for it all. I move and think in only the way I know I would and should. I no longer allow things outside of myself to influence how I move and think. I'm only here to cover my bases and stay committed to who I am.
"No matter how much we love someone, there's nothing we can say or do to get them to be better if they aren't ready. Change happens on a personal and introspective level." -- this lesson right here came at the expense of losing a very good friend of over 17 years. i realized that we were on two different planes of life and were just not meshing...lessons are hard but staying stagnant is detrimental.
My job is not to force but to accept people for who and where they are in life. -- This is exactly what I learnt from my experience and it is my life goal!
Thank you Alex. Great article!!
Change looks like not being self critical in alone time and thinking there’s always something different or better I should be doing. I’m letting go of the thought that there’s anything or anyone else that needs to be present right now for me to have peace. Im letting go of judgement, self judgement. Im grateful to learn of not trying to change anyone how much more beautiful they are in reality than in your imagination or how you want to see them.
I love this post, Alex! It came at just the right time for me. I have a question for the group and would love to read many perspectives:
what if a grown person's unwillingness/lack of capacity to change is impacting someone without the ability to advocate for their needs (e.g. a child)?
I'm not talking about dramatically violent situations for which there are some protections built into systems and structures, I'm referring to the tiny cuts/wounds/harm that build up over time and shape how we all move within the world.
I 100% agree that I can only control my actions and how I move in spaces. And I work supporting grown people in building more loving and liberated environments with the main focus being centering the needs of children, who often are not able to remove themselves from harmful situations and are just learning how to advocate for their needs. Curious what folks think/feel about the balance between offering "space and grace" (see comment above) to grown people for their growth, while helping young people stay safe and minimize harm.
The person upon whom you have the greatest power is yourself.
A beautifully written and thoughtfully shared experience, Alex. You've hit on something that impacts so many people - feeling that we can, or even that we should try to change others.
Our responsibility is to be kind to ourselves and kind to others. We each live in our own little world. We can visit the other worlds, but we can't change them.